I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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