Pappa wants mamma naked
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
