So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
