Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
