Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
