Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
