do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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