Are we in a gay sports bar?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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