We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
