Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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