Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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