she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
