i jhust puked up my retainher.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
