you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize