I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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