this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
