don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize