yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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