meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
