two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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