I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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