can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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