I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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