ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm passing your future prison.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
