I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
