It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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