If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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