Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
