You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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