The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
