dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
