its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
