my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
