she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize