you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
