We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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