he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
