If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
