On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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