I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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