i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
