I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
