If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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