I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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