Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
