I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
