I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
