apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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