Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
