I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
