Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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