I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
