yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
