Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
