saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize