Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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