Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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