Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
