I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Someone came in the potted fern
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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