If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
