I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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