My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I am available for nakedness
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
