I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
