I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
