and you said cock pushups were impossible
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize