I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
